Men and Women: Sex, Sexuality, and Missional Friendships

Friendship between men and women. Is it possible without the sex part getting in the way? For many, sex is the one reason why men and women should steer clear of intimacy in friendship, and for years that was what I was taught in the church. But what would our marriages, our churches, and our communities look like if men and women were not afraid of connecting with each other in deep ways? As I have studied both the Scriptures and the history of friendship between men and women in the church, I have become convinced that there are compelling arguments for reconsidering male-female friendship within Christian communities. I share three major reasons (they are not the only ones) why missional friendships between men and women ought to flourish within our communities.

First, Jesus, as a man, pursued chaste intimacy and friendship with women. Some of these friendships were particularly deep and passionate in an ancient world with no social map for oneness, friendship, and sexuality except in marriage. When Jesus gave us the command to love one another as he loved us, he did not indicate that the doers of the command should be segregated into same-sex friendships. He met with them alone. All four Gospels provide an eye-opening range of Jesus’ own physical nearness with women. He received physical affection from them. According to John’s Gospel, Jesus met with Mary Magdalene before he met anyone else after his resurrection. She traveled with Jesus through the villages for at least a couple of years prior to his death. She supported him financially. The question for men and women in the Christian story is not whether men and women can be close friends. No, the question that should be a part of every course in spiritual and sexual formation is, how do men and women created in the image of God nurture and delight in this deep oneness they share in Christ? How do they nurture and deepen this communion in their marriages, friendships, and communities? How do they value and honor the sexuality that is an integral part of each person? We don’t leave our sexuality at the door as we enter into friendship between men and women, and Jesus models the more that is possible between us in whole and holy relationships. In light of Jesus’ close friendships with women, his commandment to love one another as he loved strongly suggests robust possibilities for male-female friendships.

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Second, the communion to which God calls us is described as reflecting, if not replacing, the bonds of kinship. We are called to be brothers and sisters, mothers and fathers to one another. In the ancient world, the bond of intimacy between siblings was actually more significant than that between spouses. This closeness between siblings is what I call nonromantic nearness. The brother-sister bonds for centuries have been characterized by deep loyalty, affection, and trust. History reveals sweet language and devotion between brothers and sisters—even after they married. For Christians, the reality of the family of God not only makes deep, chaste friendships between men and women possible, it elevates the relationship between husband and wife. If we embraced the virtue that Christian friendship teaches us of discerning the distinctive beauty and richness of our opposite-sex neighbors (and spouses), domestic violence would disappear. Sexism (hostile or benevolent) would vanish. Many of the social ills of sexism would begin to be healed (rather than merely solved). Men and women would flourish in well-being in our homes, churches, and cities.

And third, while sin and brokenness have impacted our sexuality as much as any other part of us, we are not called to merely manage the old order, but to walk with bold humility into the Kingdom of God. Jesus did not come merely to end violence, sexism, oppression, and lust. He came to usher us into a new world, a new way of life and love, and a new embodied communion with each other in marriage, in friendship, and community. Deeper reflection suggests marriage itself is insufficient to cover the wide range of deep embodied oneness between men and women in Christian story. This seems strange to some of us because many Christian communities have uncritically accepted oneness and marriage as synonyms. By and large, the church seems to send the same message as the sex-saturated media: romantic sexuality in all its fullness is sufficient for communion. This does not lead us to a positive vision of healthy sexuality and oneness in our Christian communities or the world at large.

Christian men and women need a larger moral vision of sexuality and oneness than the romantic myth we see promoted at every turn. Embracing the beauty of healthy sexual companionship in marriage is an important calling for Christians. We have a checkered history when it comes to sex. However, our vision of sexuality is deeply impoverished if we do not embrace the beauty and passion of a healthy social sexuality in missional friendships. In this vein, Jesus does not pray that every man and woman would be married or have sex. He does pray for us as men and women to be one just as he and the Father are one for the purpose of mission and witness to the world. Deep male-female friendships witness to a greater and yet more mysterious love: the eternal dance and delight of the Trinity.

Our mission as followers of Christ is to proclaim the coming of his Kingdom in our words and with our lives. In the midst of all that is unfulfilled, that Kingdom must be coming in us and in our communities. Each of us walks with the limp of sexual brokenness, but Christ offers the promise of healing. We can affirm the men and women he has made us to be and confidently walk in paths of sexual wholeness together. Forming deep nonromantic relationships with the opposite sex bears witness to the powerful, redemptive love in our friendships, churches, and our cities.
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Dan Brennan can be seen on TheOOZE.TV interview – http://theooze.tv/thinkfwd/dan-brennan-friendships-between-men-and-women